#loveshowsup

I have a lot to say about #loveshowsup right now. I am in a hospital for the fifth time with my girl; #loveshowsup has been on my heart and mind during these long weeks.  I've always known that love shows up.  The story starts when I was young,  pinnacles during some intense times as a foster parent a few years back, and continues now and forever amen.

I'm going start at the pinnacle.  The day I experienced the visceral truth of what it means to show up for a child. The day I experienced the crushing weight of what it means to not show up for a child. 

As a foster parent, my presence at court hearings was not always mandatory. But I always got an invitation.  And by receiving an invitation to be present, I couldn't not be present.  Showing up for those court hearings for my babies was like showing up for prenatal doctor appointments for my babies.  Of course you go, of course you show up, there isn't another option.  

I have been a foster parent for many years now. I've been in court rooms many, many times for many, many kids. From my seat in the back, my view is usually this: a scattered line of county case workers, county attorney, child's attorney, mother, mother's attorney, father, and father's attorney. I always capture the image of these people in my mind, like a snapshot. 

I am the foster parent, the one who is currently caring for the child that we are all in the courtroom to make decisions for. I sit in the back of the courtroom because legally, I have no voice. This story and this scene is not about me; it is about trying to reunite this child with the people he belongs with.  So I sit in my seat, stare at the back of these heads and pray that this lineup of folks in the front makes good decisions for the child.

One day,  I sat in my seat, and watched as the important characters in the story started showing up . I looked down the line and checked off each player from the roster in my mind. Caseworker, check. Attorney, check. And on I went, further down the line. My eyes reached the end of the line. 

The space where the parents usually stand was empty. No check. Empty space. “A” for absent. A void in a place where there should NEVER be a void. No one was there to fight for him. No parents. I wanted to see someone standing in that void, fighting for him. Because that's what he deserved,  that's what every child deserves.

It took my breath away.

I watched the judge step out of his chambers, and I saw a look on his face that perfectly reflected what I felt in my heart. It was a slight shake of the head, mixed with disappointment, and pure sadness. I could almost see the word “Damn” form on his lips.  He was clearly heartbroken by the void in that space.  You could see that he wanted for there to be someone standing there, with tears in their eyes, begging him to have their baby back. But there was no one. For This Child No One Showed Up.

From the back, I wanted to stand up and shout, with tears in my eyes, “HERE I AM. I WILL FIGHT FOR HIM. I WILL BEG YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART TO LET ME BE HIS MOMMA. I WILL STAND IN THAT VOID, I WILL BE HIS VOICE.” But they tell me that standing up and shouting at the judge could get you arrested. 

So I channeled the still, small voice inside me, and I continued to watch and pray, as people who have never seen his sweet face or heard his sweet laugh made decisions for his future.

I believe that the best and bravest thing we can do, for any of our kids, is to Just. Show. Up. And while most of us don’t have to show up in a court room, we need to show up for the  everyday moments,  which is sometimes harder . 

We must make those daily, intentional choices to continue to be present for those we love. Some days it’s so hard, you just want to hide in the bathroom, or even get in the car and drive away. But as brave parents, friends, and family members, we must continue to show our faces; we must continue to show up, even if we have little or nothing to offer at that particular moment. We are our child’s voice, our we are the ones that can stand up and shout for them (Unless you are in a courtroom. DON'T DO IT.) Every child deserves someone to stand in that void and to fill that gap that often stands between him and the world.

In the eyes and in the life of a child, you might make all the difference, just in the showing up.  Communing with your people matters.  You might not make a difference, and you might not change the outcome.  In fact, you probably won't, because it's not about you.  But your people will remember, that you were there, in the back row, shouting for them with all your heart.

#loveshowsup #foreverandever #amen